Secrets Of A $1/$2 No Limit King

When going all in it's mandatory that you do a dramatic push-away-stand-up-and-pace move.
I'm not afraid to talk to my cards.
I use a cool new word every time I check (Czechoslovakia, Roman Checkmanek, Chex Mix, Checks & Balances).
I only drink rum and Cokes.
I'll be sure to tell at least one crazy Hollywood written poker story per hour ("I once flopped a nut straight playing head to head with Jaleel White in Debra Messings basement...").
You'll have to pony up $7 to see the flop at my table.
I'll talk about hands that happened forty minutes ago.
I never hit the tables without my PartyPoker.com wind breaker, my lucky wife beater (with a picture of a royal flush and the words "Absolute Nuts"), and my Terminator shades.
Worm was right, women are the fucking rake.
The last guy who slow rolled me is eating meatloaf through a tube.
I average thirteen shitty Teddy KGB impersonations per hour ("Pay him... pay that man his money"; "He beat me... straight up"; "Hanging around... kids got alligator blood"; "Last time I stick it in you...").
I'll look at my cards after every bet, cause you never know when they might change.
I use terms like "Big Slick", "Tilt", and "Rags".
My go to poker joke is...
Q: What do women and Fifth Street have in common?
A: They always fuck you.
Heads up is for fags, if I wanted a date I'd call your mother.
You call them Pocket Rockets, I call the American Airlines, either way they're the sexiest thing ever created by God.
Listen to TLC - if you know it's stupid to chase waterfalls, why chase straights?
I painted a mural of Miami John Cernuto on my bathroom wall.
I know the dealers at the Trop better than I know my kids.
A full house is a "Danny Tanner".
I'm never married to my cards.
I'll be sure to tell you about my time spent in Vegas.
I legally changed my last name to Hellmuth.
I sleep between 12 PM and 10 PM.
I've got more time on my poker cards than I do in a serious relationship.
The Cincinnati Kid is my Scarface.
I'll always max my buy in amount.
Bluffings for queers. If I wanted to pretend, I'd play tea party with your daughter.
I'd rather see my brother get killed by a Greyhound bus filled with Japanese tourists than be Bad Beat.
I'll purposely make you remind me I'm the blinds, just to keep you honest.
Saying, "I see your bet, and raise you..." will get you slapped in the mouth at my table.
My wife left me after I used our kids college tuition to fund a trip to the Harrah's at Mardi Gras.
I only talk to the guy to my left, nothing personal to everyone else, that's just what my dad taught me.
After I beat you I'll call you a tourist.
I've got a fever, and the only cure is rolled up aces over kings.
I can do twenty-one different chip-in-hand tricks.
I finished 242nd in a 2003 qualifier for the World Series of Poker.
I'll make castle designs with my stacks.
If someone asks me if I had it I respond with, "I don't know John."
Girls belong on their knees or in the kitchen, not at the table.
I've eaten at the Seaside Buffet for thirty-three straight days.
I drive a Chrysler.
The reason I play at the $1/$2 table is because I don't have much money, and because I've really only been playing poker since I saw Rounders back in '05; and I still have no fucking idea what I'm doing, so I'll over compensate for my lack of skill and knowledge by being a douche.